Entry #8 - 9.25.5502

We've spent the last four days - 14 hours per - trying to back-track the Telepods' memory in search of 101, yet are no closer now than we were the day he disappeared. Meanwhile, our "friend" the mad doctor took advantage of our focus elsewhere and succeeded (yet again) in sabotaging weeks worth of work - this time in the communications center. Now Athena's pissed and taking it out on me, as if it's all somehow my fault. And the rats - well, the rats are becoming ever more difficult as their intellect is evolving and disappointments are mounting.

As for me, I'm feeling incredibly frustrated as of late. We're once again cut off from outside worlds - will be for some time - and I haven't heard from Sona or the Ohms in weeks. Trying to make headway here feels like pushing a safe through sand - thankless, arduous work. Lately I'm feeling, more and more, like I just want to go home. Let the Guardians save the universe by themselves, I never asked for this job in the first place - never asked to be evolved. I was perfectly happy, before - perfectly content to be...well, not exactly ordinary, but at least not so damned special.

Growing up, I used to envy the kids who were so totally average - so wonderfully typical. They never had to struggle for acceptance; never had to deal with being teased or left out. Me - I was always the outsider; always the "freak." And even though I knew I was special - more highly evolved - my differences still left me alone. My folks always thought it was of my own choosing - my isolation - I kept myself busy and put up a good front so they wouldn't worry so much. But the loneliness still crept in and hurt, like a dull ache somewhere deep inside. And lately, with all that's been happening, I've been feeling that ache again - and it still sucks.

So here's what I have to do, beyond just keeping myself busy - I have to keep reminding myself that there's a greater purpose here, beyond comfort and ease of transit through life. I have to keep reminding myself that growth and progress don't always come easy - that sometimes you have to accept feeling alone, or scared, or lost in order to find your way. Sometimes you have to turn your back on "comfortable" in order to discover your true potential; your destiny - sometimes you have to be willing to walk alone into the darkness to find the light. And I have to keep reminding myself that my friends really do care for and support me - despite our fights or long periods spent apart - and that I really do love myself, despite feeling like a loser sometimes, when nothing seems to be going right.

What it all comes down to, I guess, is what Sona and the Little Geckins taught me so long ago - I have to trust in the universe and believe in myself; I have to keep the faith.